Illia Ponomarenko, a Kyiv Independent defense reporter and metalhead, reports that the Ukrainian military jammed Russian radio communications by exploding metal. This was noted by our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman, who had a great suggestion:
@BayAreaData column idea! what songs should ukraine play for russia?
—Roman Gokhman (@RomiTheWriter) March 30, 2022
I had a much more boring column idea for today but, you know what? It’s better. This is really better. I can work with that.
Ukrainian generals, if you’re listening, here are some additions to your playlist.
Metallica – “Purify”
I love Metallica. I probably love Metallica too much. But I do not like Holy Wrath. It’s not a good album. I said I wouldn’t wish Holy Wrath on my worst enemy, but given the current circumstances, I have changed my mind. I wish this to the Russian army. And Tucker Carlson, but that’s a different column.
Not only Holy Wrath, corn. Oh no. They get the worst song of Holy Wrath, “Purify”, which narrowly exceeds “All Within My Hands”. While most bad songs have at least one dot, “Purify” doesn’t. There is no central melody. There is no hook. I’m not even sure there are notes. It’s just… sound. And not a good sound.
I once commented that Holy Wrath is essentially a war crime. Now is the time to find out if this is literally true.
White Lion – “When the Children Cry”
Listen, I understand White Lion is trying to be deep and emotional here, but there are a few issues.
First, power ballads are rarely, if ever, good in the first place. Hair metal bands became famous for hair metal. Why would they decide to launch a slow, not even slightly metallic interlude? Stay in your wheelhouse! Watch AC/DC; they know what they are doing and they stuck to it. And the world is better off for it.
Second, White Lion doesn’t have the musical talent to…well, to do much, but mostly to play this song. Most karaoke is better than that.
I vote, we let White Lion preach peace to the Russian army. The message may be lost on them, but at least they’ll be miserable missing the point, and that’s what really matters.
Honestly, I have no problem with this song. I love this song and have often sung it out loud in the car. But it’s in a joke from a 1999 episode of “The Drew Carey Show” which I kind of remembered for 23 years, so here we are.
As an aside, can we appreciate how good the cast was on “The Drew Carey Show” for a while? Drew Carey himself, of course, he’s hosting “The Price Is Right” now, so that’s cool. Diedrich Bader was brilliant in “Napoleon Dynamite” and, above all, “Office space.” Ryan Stiles is a legend for “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” alone. Craig Ferguson is a versatile cool guy who spent many years as a top late night talk show host.
Anyway, if it was good enough for a character from a late 90s, early 2000s sitcom, it’s good enough for me.
[Gokhman note: About a year or two ago, my neighbors attempted this stunt, with this same song. After the first hour, I was amused. After eight hours, much of it overnight on a weekday, I was not.]
Sleep – “Drug Smoker”
Sleep’s stoner metal magnum opus “Dopesmoker” has two things that make it an ideal weapon against the Russian military. First of all, the reason stoner metal is made for stoners is because no one sober can bear to listen to it. It’s like slower, less cohesive free jazz on a heavily distorted guitar. Looks like your neighbor is trying to get his 20-year-old weedkiller started at 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning and elicits the same reaction from those within earshot.
Second, and most importantly, the song is over an hour long.
Seriously, press play and watch the length. One hour, three minutes and 35 seconds. This is not a loop, typo, download error, or joke. This is the actual length of the song. And it never gets better than the three to five minutes you can probably get by before typing. Because no one can spend a full hour of “Dopesmoker”.
That’s why it would be really funny to spend a whole hour of “Dopesmoker” on Russian military radios and have them try.
Razzlekhan — “Bedouin Versace”
This song is not metal but I don’t care. This remains the worst song I’ve ever heard and belongs on any retaliation playlist.
The worst song I ever heard was the classic Chuggo “Ah C’mon”, which is always just…so awful. But it’s so much worse. It’s worse in every way. There’s nothing redeeming about this song, except that Heather “Razzlekhan” Morgan is out on bail awaiting trial on federal charges.
No, she wasn’t arrested for that song. She should have been, yes, but instead she was arrested for trying to launder $4.5 billion in Bitcoin with her husband. Billion. Four and a half billion dollars. They got caught because they are so stupid and kept the security keys in a Dropbox account.
This may be part of his rendition: making Russian soldiers in Ukraine absolutely miserable with his awful, horrible rapping.
And don’t worry, Ukrainian army, you don’t have to thank me. It’s the least I can do to help.
Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet him column ideas at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.